Let's Not Shit Ourselves (To Love And Be Loved)

I'm in a car driving as fast as I can down a highway. No cars are in sight, but that would soon change. Soon the highway would flood with vans, with the goal of stopping me, no matter what the means to stopping me were. There are no civilian cars tonight; it almost seems as if we're not even in the same world anymore.

I drink away at the bottle in my hand, chugging down the alcohol without any tact whatsoever. I was drunk, almost, or getting there. Despite this, my driving does not become reckless.

I look into the rearview mirror. No cars yet. Gotta go faster then. Catch up you bastards!!

Padriac is laughing away at the center of my mind. I laugh along with him. Ha ha! So funny! We were going to finish it all with one final ride!! One last hurrah!!!! Our swan song.

This was all going to end in a crash, no matter what. I was leading them all to my death.

My life rushes past along with the scenery. It's night and day and then nothing as the sun and moon disappear and are replaced with the tapestry of memory. I look alongside my car and see my own face racing along the horizon. Ain't I such a cute little boy!!

The tapestry shows failure after failure; all leading up to the present day. I laugh, I cry, I smile, I frown. Just so damn sad, it was funny! A life full of failure and regret. A life full of me trying so hard, putting my expectations of myself so high, and yet, always falling down.

A life of me going "That's it, I give up, no more."

I tell myself that if I just hope and keep on keeping on, that things will get better. That I just need someone to lift me up out of this shit. Well is that really true? Or more accurate of a question...

Is that really what I deserve?

I chuckle to myself as I scream along with the music in the car. Full blast! Such awesome music. Padriac fucking loved the music; emotional lyrics, eat yer heart out, fuckyeah, this is the shit.

Here I am having a personal crisis while driving down the road as fast as I can. Isn't that lovely.

My mind suddenly lingers on the subject of death, and how petty my problems seem compared to it. How everyone would die because of me. Well not technically but still.

Nothing is going to die if nothing is living.

The wilderness surrounds the highway and gets closer and closer. As this happens, I notice new vans joining this road and they begin chasing after me.

That's right. Come get me.

IF YOU WANT THIS KEY, YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO WORK FOR IT.

This whole thing started on the highway, and it was going to end on the highway.

I look to my side again. It shows me, and my faith and optimism slowly being crushed. Isn't that just wonderful? Your dreams getting crushed, I mean.

Especially after you realize you mean nothing to the universe.

Why do only I notice this? Laura never noticed this. No one does except me, it seems. Who should I blame for all of this? Who did this to me? Who made me realize this?

The vans get closer.

Bullets fire past my car. Oh they were shooting at me now. Wasn't that just terrific.

Stop. I'm having a realization here dammit.

This entire country is like me. Pointing the finger at everyone but the person who has caused it all. It's me. It's always been me, putting my faith into everything and everyone except myself. So when this person or thing crashes, I crash along with it.

Dumbass George Bush. Never voted for your ass get out of office.

I take another swig from the bottle.

I'm screaming now, along with the song.

I look back to Laura's face. How calm she looked when we found her in the one of the Lonely Hearts vans. And she was breathing. Oh god, she was breathing. Marcus hadn't hurt her. God I hate that bastard. Pretended to love her, than used her.

Told the team to take her. I would make the Lonely Hearts focus on me.

Minutes later, after robbing a liquor store and pharmacy via Key powers, I'm on the road.

The Lonely Hearts is like this country too. They destroy everything, and make things worse. Their ignorance of individuality hurt everyone and cause more conflict than anyone can hope to cease.

One of the vans slams into the back of my car. We collide and I drive off the road, taking the van with me. We tumble down into the Wilderness, and I'm laughing.

As we fall, I feel myself slowly fade away.




I awake, and let out a heavy sigh of relief.

I'm in a hospital bed. A Chicago hospital bed. My entire body hurts, but nothing is broken; probably because of the Key. I look around, and notice someone in the corner, sitting.

It's my father... he's staring out the window. Staring so far away. He hasn't shaved in days, and he also probably hadn't had a bath in days either. He looks over, and notices that I am awake; he does not smile.

My throat was so sore, so dry. Had to say anything, something, so I tried to speak. I ended up whispering only, "So sorry, so selfish...", but he interrupts me.

"Child, I love you regardless, and there's nothing you could ever do that would ever change this."

I love my father.

"I'm not angry; it happens."

That used to be his catchphrase. He would always say that to us after we made a mistake.

I start crying.

"But you just can't do it again..."

And then he begins to cry.

But he's smiling. He never smiles.

I had been so selfish, so reckless. I forgot about my own family and friends. Even before this whole "Sacrificing myself to save Laura" business. Killing myself wouldn't of worked, I would of only been resurrected. I had known that but did not care. All I wanted to do was save Laura and end it all.

But Laura isn't the only thing that should be important to me. I put too much faith into her. I wanted her to lift me out of the darkness, to save me. I put her on a pedestal.

But she was only a girl. Just like how I am only a boy.

I'm on a stage, singing the very song that I had sung in that car. I'm screaming, practically.

So now I try to keep up, I've been exchanging my currency,

While a million objects pass through my periphery.

Now I'm rubbing my eyes, cause they're starting to bother me;

I've been staring too long at the screen...

But where was it when I first heard that sweet sound of humility?

It came to my ears in the goddamn loveliest melody.

How grateful I was then to be part of the mystery;

To love and to be loved!!

Let's just hope that is enough. 

  

The entire band is up here with me. I am surrounded by my friends and my family. We're not playing in a bar this time, but in my parent's very own backyard.

I have finally discovered what I am living for.

I have finally discovered a purpose.

I just wish Marcus had not escaped. We had intended to keep him, but we had to leave him tied to a chair back at the place he had taken Laura and I to. 

But I'm ready for whatever happens.

Padriac and I both are.

It's lucky we survived, though. Apparently, the tall dark Monster; "The Slender Man" saved me.

It brought us to my parents house, despite me being far away; as in, on the other side of the country, far away. Why did it do that?

What side is everyone on?

Anyways, I think this may be the last time I write for a while, journal. Sorry.

I'm going to enjoy this while it lasts.